


Callin' All Country Women

by saucyminx



Series: The House Rules [6]
Category: Real Person Fiction
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-05-25
Updated: 2010-05-25
Packaged: 2017-10-28 12:47:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 18,565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/308027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saucyminx/pseuds/saucyminx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A novel length story of a struggling country singer and the young man who tries to change his life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Time was one of those strange things that go faster when you’re not really paying attention to it. Sometimes, Christian had moments when he stopped and thought about life - thought about having Chad in his life, the way his career was moving forward and he found it hard to believe that six months had passed since he had moved out of Steve’s.

 _Six months._

Chad didn’t live with Christian but he was moving in one possession at a time. The first morning that Christian had stumbled into his bathroom bleary eyed and found a new toothbrush in the cup next to his he had smiled. Soon, there were t-shirts, jeans, some socks and underwear. Chad’s favorite CD’s were now sitting near Christian’s stereo and there was a mug in his kitchen that Chad always drank out of that Christian was a hundred per cent positive he hadn’t purchased.

It was good. _Life_ was good.

Things with Steve had been touch and go for a while. Steve didn’t get most of what Christian had tried to explain to him and Christian didn’t have the energy to keep trying. They had managed to achieve an uneasy truce for the sake of their music. Music was the one thing that he and Steve had always managed to see eye to eye on.

As soon as the Doctor had given Christian the word he’d picked up his guitar and started playing. Chad had sat across from him on the bed, hair flopped down over his eyes and a dopey expression on his face and Christian had laughed and played. He might have kissed Chad in between all the songs he played.

Playing music was good; it made Christian feel a little more complete. They had developed a good local following and there were three clubs that booked them for regular performances. There was enough money to consider hiring a Manager finally and that was what Steve did. Christian was trying to stay out of the organizational side of things. He had better stuff to do with his time.

When he put down his guitar he wanted his hands on Chad. He wanted to walk along the railroad tracks with Chad at night, holding hands and trying to figure out what the graffiti was supposed to be.

Each evening they spent together, Christian liked to watch Chad read; he always chewed on his bottom lip, fingers curled in a fist under his chin. In the mornings, Chad could hardly think until he’d had some coffee and Christian loved to wake up first and stare at him until he slapped at Christian’s shoulder.

Being a boyfriend wasn’t so bad; in fact, Christian liked it. So - the music was good - being a boyfriend was good and that was why the whole _Manager_ thing kind of sneaked up on him.

“She says you need to be more _rough and tumble_ ,” Steve said the words like they meant something specific and important.

“Say what?” Christian put his soda down on the amplifier and unhooked his guitar.

“Karen - she says that it’s her opinion as our Manager that we need to butch up our image and play up the stereo types. You know? Cowboys are tough - workin’ class man, rough hands and hard workin’.” Steve wiped his guitar down and headed over to its case.

Scratching his head, Christian stood there for a few moments staring at his friends tense shoulders. “Steve. Are you telling me that I have to be more _straight_ ‘cause comin’ from you that’s rich.”

Steve turned slowly and dropped his gaze. “Let’s not go there.”

They hadn’t _gone_ there since things had settled down between Christian and Chad. In fact, there’d been no mention at all of some of the things that Steve had told Chad. Christian thought maybe it was for the best but he’d never been so good at interpersonal _shit_. That was more Chad’s department.

“Listen. Karen saw you and Chad together at the last gig. She’s just concerned that it might limit our audience.” Steve kept his gaze down and wandered over to the pint sized fridge to get a beer. He’d didn’t ask Christian if he wanted one - they _had_ talked about that.

“You can’t be serious. I mean - it’s not like we were all over each other.” Christian felt his cheeks heat up slightly. Sometimes, he got so caught up in Chad that he forgot that there were other people around. It was the way his lips curved into the slightest pout when he was standing there alone - and then the sparkle in his eyes when he spotted Christian making his way through the crowd. Being loved by Chad was like being King of the world.

“I’m just tellin’ you what she said. And maybe she’s got a point - I dunno. Just think about it, okay?” Steve was drinking the beer fast; he was nervous.

“I’ll think about it - but I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do about it. I’m not gonna change the way I am with the man I love-”

“Yeah, yeah,” Steve said dismissively. He drained the rest of the can of beer and tossed it in the trash. “Just think about it. That’s all I’m askin’. You have your own meeting with Karen next week and _you two_ can hash it all out. S’not my shit to deal with.”

Christian bit off the urge to say it wasn’t _shit_ at all and simply nodded. It was time to pack up anyway.

“Chad?” The lights were on at Christian’s place and he nudged the door open wider with his hip so he could fit his gear inside.

Looking up from the couch Chad couldn’t help but grin. The last six months had been nothing short of amazing in his mind. He was almost done with school, he had this amazing relationship, and everything felt so _good_ it was sometimes hard to believe. Sometimes Chad caught himself looking over his shoulder, waiting for the next big thing to test them, but he tried not to think that way.

“Hey, I was wondering when you’d turn up,” Chad murmured and stood, crossing the room to help Christian with his things. “God, did you bring the whole studio home with you?” He laughed, reaching out to grab the amp in Christian’s left hand.

“Yeah, I wanna work here tomorrow. Thought I could play some new stuff for you seeing as you won’t come and hang out at Steve’s.” Christian smirked. It wasn’t really an issue because he totally understood Chad’s reluctance. “You don’t have classes tomorrow - I looked at your thing... that thing with your … whatever. Anyway, you’re free. So you can read or whatever while I play.”

“Mm, love when you play creepy stalker,” Chad hummed, grinning before he set the amp down and turned to kiss Christian softly. “Sounds like a good day to me. I’ve got a few papers to finish up. How was your day?” Chad was fairly certain he spent more time at Christian’s now a days than he did at his own place, and really, he couldn’t be bothered to care much about that.

Christian tripped over one of Chad’s boots and looked down, noticing there were two pairs of shoes there now that belonged to his boyfriend. “You brought shoes.” Christian laughed and kicked Chad’s boots out of the way. He might not admit it out loud, but he liked having Chad’s things scattered about the place.

Looking down, Chad shrugged and turned to head to the kitchen to check on dinner. “I like options in footwear, so sue me,” he called over his shoulder, stooping down to peer into the oven. Chad kept pushing things, bringing over little bits and pieces that he needed and hoping Christian didn’t call him on it.

Chad wasn’t sure they were quite at the point for officially living together, but sometimes he thought _maybe_. “You didn’t say how your day was,” he noted as he headed out of the kitchen once more. He stared shamelessly at Christian’s ass as he bent over to situate his gear.

"It was okay - then Steve - I don't even know. I told you about that new manager, right? Karen?" Christian finished getting his gear out of the way and toed his boots off. Pulling his hair tie out he shook his hair down and shrugged out of his over shirt. He knew that Chad found it hard to resist him when he was in a sleeveless t-shirt- _not_ that _that_ had anything to do with it.

Wetting his lips, Chad slowly crossed the room to Christian. He had to resist the desire to throw himself at his boyfriend, unable to stop his hand from sliding back through the man’s hair. “Yeah I remember you mentioning her, what happened?”

Chad wasn’t going to touch the subject of Steve; it was still a pretty sore topic. His hands moved through Christian’s hair and down over his shoulders, fingers curling to gently massage the man’s shoulders.

Christian smirked and hooked his thumbs through Chad's belt loops. It wasn't so hard to get exactly what he wanted sometimes. "She thinks I need to butch up the show a little. You know - be a _cowboy_ and all that shit. Apparently, she saw you and me together. Didn't find it as hot as I do." Laughing softly he tugged Chad a little closer and sighed as he leaned back against the counter.

Lips pursing in confusion, Chad’s fingers rubbed with a little more force as he leaned into his boyfriend. “Butch up?” He didn’t see how that related to him and Christian being gay.

“What? Like, wear cowboy hats more oft...” Chad trailed off as his brain clicked the pieces together and his hands stilled. “Oh. You mean she wants you to be less gay.” Just saying _that_ brought a bad taste to Chad’s mouth.

"Whatever, I don't care," Christian murmured. "Gotta meet with her next week." He let his head fall back as his muscles relaxed under Chad's touch. "Don't stop doing the hand thing," he urged softly.

Chad forced his hands back into motion, slowly nodding. If Christian said it didn’t matter, that meant he wasn’t going to give in to whatever that Karen lady wanted. Chad trusted his boyfriend to take care of it. “Bet Steve had a field day with that,” Chad muttered, thumbs working slowly along Christian’s tension laced shoulders.

"No, he didn't. And if he had said anything I would have told him to shut the _fuck_ up." Christian's lips twitched into a smile. "You still a little jealous?" Leaning a little closer, Christian brushed his lips against Chad's and slipped his fingers up under the man's t-shirt.

“Well, you do spend the good majority of your days with him, I can’t help it.” Chad felt the faintest of blushes on his cheeks as he looked down, letting his nose run along Christian’s cheek. “You still get jealous when I go to lunch with Jared.”

“Do not,” Christian lied. He laughed and unhooked his thumbs so he could slide his hands around to squeeze Chad’s ass. Chad’s breath was warm on his cheek and Christian closed his eyes. “He’s my friend. You... are so much more than that.” Christian’s voice was rough and he shook his head. _God_ , he still made Christian’s mind spin all the time. Chad was the best kind of drug.

“Friend,” Chad muttered, keeping the thought to himself that Steve definitely didn’t fit into the category of _friend_ in Chad’s eyes. “You still do spend most of every day with him; I’d say as boyfriend I have jealousy rights.” Chad shrugged, biting his lips as he gently moved back into Christian’s touch.

"You've got nothing to be jealous of. You know I can't even think of anyone but you - and it's all..." Christian shook his head slowly and dropped his gaze. He still struggled a lot with the way he felt about Chad - well - with how to put it into words. Songs? That was easy... words, much harder. “Anyway. Nothing to worry about. Doesn’t matter who hits on me - or whatever. I want you.”

Smiling briefly, Chad nodded, letting his forehead rest against Christian’s. “I know,” he murmured and brushed his lips once, twice across Christian’s before he pulled back.

“I’ve got a chicken bake in the over, it should be ready, you hungry?” Chad kind of loved playing the domestic role in their relationship, it was something he _knew_ he could do, cook, and he never got enough of it sometimes. His fingers fluttered across Christian’s neck and down his chest, eyes watching the downward slide.

"Yeah, sure." Frankly, Christian would rather just have his hands on Chad's body; listen to that voice soft and sweet against his ear. "Sure, I could eat." Smiling he caught Chad's mouth under his, pressing forward a little before pulling back and moaning. "You taste sweet."

Catching his lip under his teeth once more, Chad tilted his head to the side and stared down at Christian. “You could eat, but you’d rather...” Sometimes Chad felt like he could read Christian’s mind, like he really _got_ the man. Other times, like now, Chad felt like there was something smoldering in his boyfriend’s eyes that he couldn’t put his finger on.

Christian licked his lips slowly then blew out a breath. "I can't fuckin' think of anything other than getting my hands on you, touching your skin - watching the way your cheeks flush - the color in your skin." Tilting his head slightly, Christian lifted his hand to cup Chad's cheek. "Am I crazy for wantin' you all the time?"

Something flipped in Chad’s chest, his heart skipping a beat, and he could feel that flush Christian was speaking over crawling across his cheeks as the words settled warm over his shoulders. “No, not crazy. I think about it all the time too. In the middle of labs, while I’m taking tests, while having lunch with Jared.” Chad smirked at the words, slipping his fingers under Christian’s t-shirt and dragging them across the man’s abs.

"I'm better than him?" Christian winked and slid his hand around to cup the back of Chad's neck. "Sometimes it scares me," he said softly.

“Me too,” Chad whispered, dropping his forehead to Christian’s once more. “And yes, of course, you’re better than him. I’ve come to this conclusion, that things between him and I could never have worked, because I was meant for you.” Chad kissed the side of Christian’s mouth, then the other, then along his cheeks, down to his jaw. “Wouldn’t change this for anything.”

"You do much more of that and you'd better turn the oven off." Christian's hand tightened on the back of Chad's neck and he pulled him forward until their lips were almost touching. "Can the uh, chicken whatever, wait a while?" His heart was beating faster already and Christian slid his hands up Chad's side, fingers bumping over the man's ribs. "I want..." Closing his eyes he shook his head again.

Most of the time, it was Chad pushing for sex the moment Christian came home. After all, Chad was still the younger one, Christian could hold off more. So knowing Christian wanted him _now_ made heat burn through Chad.

He pulled back and headed to the kitchen, turning off the stove then quickly turning to walk back to Christian. Halfway across the room he tugged off his shirt, lips twitching in a small smile. “It can wait. Tell me what you want.”

"You, I want you." Christian ran his hands down over Chad's chest and slid them round to press against the small of his back. "I - I just want you. It's my... it's like you're what's _right_ about everything." Frowning slightly he pulled Chad flush against his body and bit down on his bottom lip.

Moaning, Chad leaned into Christian and deepened the kiss, once more sliding his hands up under Christian’s t-shirt and breaking from the kiss long enough to tug the thin material up and off.

“ _We’re_ what’s right about everything.” Chad knew it was cheesy and corny but he really didn’t care. He fell into the kiss once more, hands sliding along Christian’s bare sides.

Christian's blood was racing through his veins and he dragged his nails up Chad's back and loved the way his boyfriend's spine arched against his touch. "I love you," he murmured against Chad's lips.

Sometimes, it was overwhelming - the feelings that flooded through him when he was with Chad. His mouth opened wider, slanting and crushing against Chad's. As his tongue slid forward he moaned low and deep and slid his hand up into Chad's hair, gripping the soft blonde strands tightly.

The words, the kiss, caused Chad’s knees to weaken slightly but he clutched to Christian and somehow managed to stay upright. Christian was so amazing, Chad could think back to how they had been and how far they’d come and his heart swelled with pride and amazement. Chad was so _proud_ of all the changes his boyfriend had made. He gasped into the part of their lips, groaning when Christian’s hands tightened in his hair. “I love you too,” he breathed in return, hands sliding down to tuck under the back of Christian’s jeans.

Christian's lashes fell to his cheeks and he lifted his hands to Chad's shoulders, pushed off from the counter and spun them. Pressing Chad _hard_ against the counter he moaned again and slid his hand up his boyfriend's body. "Say it's only me, only me forever."

“Only you,” Chad whispered, his mind spinning at the sudden motion. “Only ever you.” It wasn’t a lie. Chad was sure even if by some horrible chance they didn’t stay together, he would never be able to stop wanting Christian. Sometimes it felt like the man was the only reason he woke in the morning.

“God Christian, I need you.” He wasn’t as scared by the plea in his voice as he used to be.

Christian's hands fumbled with the button on Chad's jeans and he leaned in to mouth his way down his boyfriend's neck. Chad's skin was hot, smooth and Christian was sure he could _taste_ the way Chad wanted him. Licking his way along Chad's collar bone he managed to get the jeans undone and growled as he lifted Chad up onto the counter.

"Fuck," he hissed. "You're so hot - how do you make me want you all the time?"

Head tipping back, Chad moaned low in his throat and arched forward into Christian’s touch.

He loved how deep Christian’s voice got when he was turned on, deep and rough, grating over Chad’s nerves like hot coals. “It’s a special power,” he managed to gasp, fingers curling over the edge of the counter. “Somehow you manage to do the same thing too.”

Christian hummed softly as his fingers moved to spread the fabric of Chad's jeans. He pressed his hand against the hard line under Chad's boxers and smiled up at his boyfriend. "You're always hard for me, I _fuckin'_ love that."

Groaning, Chad couldn’t help arching up again into Christian’s touch. As if he wouldn’t be hard considering the things Christian did to him. “Of course I am,” he breathed, dipping his head toward Christian and kissing along his neck. “You know how badly I always want you.”

Christian's fingers moved slowly, slipping under the waistband of Chad's boxers and pushing the material down. Jaw clenched tight he finally felt the swollen flesh of Chad's cock and curled his fingers around is slowly. "I want to suck your cock until you come. I _want_ to hear you moan and whimper - you know? The way you do sometimes."

“Jesus,” Chad breathed, head hitting the cabinet as he tipped it back once more. “Yeah, yeah I know. Please Christian; want you to suck my cock.” Chad was pretty sure he spent more time sucking Christian’s cock then the other way around but whenever it did happen Chad nearly always lost his mind. Christian took the term _blow his mind_ literally.

Smiling crookedly, Christian crooked his finger until Chad leaned down to kiss him. Their lips moved slowly together, slick and soft then a little harder when Chad moaned. _God_ that sound sent heat flying to Christian's cock. Tearing his mouth away Christian kissed his way down the center of Chad's chest, his tongue lapped at the slightly salty skin and he gripped Chad's hips _hard_.

A shudder worked its way through Chad and he bit his lip, gripping the counter harder so he could resist the desire to push Christian down his body faster. There was certainly something to be said about wanting someone so much you lost all ability to be patient. “God, Christian, you’re too much sometimes.”

Laughing softly, Christian continued his journey down Chad's body, over his belly until he could nuzzle the soft smattering of hair below his belly button. "Love the way you smell," Christian mumbled. His lips were tingling, his cock aching and all he could think about was _Chad_. Shoving Chad's boxers down Christian pulled his boyfriend's swollen shaft free and ducked his head down so his could flick his tongue over the searing flesh.

Swearing low under his breath, Chad bit down hard on his lip and tried not to fuck up into Christian’s mouth instantly. The man made it a little impossible. He was already inhaling shakily, skin flushed and overheated. He let his head drop so he could stare down at Christian bent down toward him, hair falling almost like a veil on either side of his face, tongue snaking out to move across his skin. It was one of the hottest things Chad had ever seen.

Christian's tongue lapped at the salty pre-come beading on Chad's cock and he parted his lips slightly to place a soft kiss to his boyfriend's velvet soft flesh. The taste of Chad was distinct, the scent of him heady and musky. Pushing forward, Christian took Chad in his mouth slowly - teasing - lingering over each inch of flesh. His tongue circled Chad's shaft as he sank lower, drawing in more and more of his lover.

Chad’s lips parted in a half gasp, half moan, his hand sliding back through Christian’s hair and curling slowly. Christian’s hair was slick and soft in his grip and Chad rocked his hips up into the heat of his lover’s mouth, giving in to the desire to take more. “Oh fuck, Christian, _god_ ,” he breathed, nostrils flaring with the spiral of pleasure up his spine.

Chad's words sent Christian's heart madly racing in his chest and he moaned as he sank down over his boyfriend's cock. Sucking and swallowing he drew Chad all the way in until he could feel the tip against the back of his throat. Chad moaned again and Christian sucked then slid his lips back up the length of his boyfriend’s flesh until he was barely holding the flesh between them. He loved teasing Chad, pulling more of those delicious sounds from him.

The grip Chad had on the counter was a little painful and his entire body was trembling with pleasure. He was already fighting against the push of his orgasm. His shoulders were tense as he fought the urge to just yank at Christian’s hair and force the man to ride out the thrusts of his hips.

His eyes fixed down on his lover, watching as he slowly pulled back, held there, sank back down. “Jesus, your mouth,” Chad groaned, hips snapping up out of his control when Christian’s tongue laved over the tip of his cock.

Humming softly, Christian slid the ring of his lips down Chad's length again and hollowed his cheeks as he sucked hard. The way Chad's hips moved made Christian's cock ache so he swirled his tongue and pulsed it against Chad's flesh. He knew how to make his boyfriend come; he loved watching it. Better than that he loved swallowing Chad’s release and feeling the way the man kind of came apart.

“Fuck, Christian, god, m’gonna-” Chad panted the words, nails scraping along Christian’s scalp as his knees weakened and his eyes snapped shut. His orgasm tore through him with an intensity he hadn’t expected, a shudder shaking the entire length of his body until he was sure Christian could feel him trembling. He moaned his lover’s name over and over, hips rocking forward with each wave of release.

The first splash of hot come against the back of Christian's throat was _perfect_. Gripping Chad's hips tightly, Christian moaned at the feel of his lover's release sliding down his throat.

Chad was so many kinds of perfect it was almost impossible to believe. Sucking and licking, Christian worked his boyfriend through each wave of pleasure until he heard Chad whimper slightly. Pulling back he let his boyfriend's cock slip from his lips and smiled slightly as he caught his breath.

The moment Christian released him Chad’s fingers uncurled from the counter and he lost the ability to stay up right. He sank down, collapsing on his ass and panting heavily as he sank back against the cabinet. “Jesus Christ, Christian,” he whispered, eyes closed as his fingers curled over the man’s jeans and he tugged him down. “Kiss me.”

Christian's laugh was a deep rasp as he sank down to his knees and slanted his lips over Chad's. His tongue slid forward immediately, sweeping over the roof of Chad's mouth. A low moan rumbled up from deep inside Christian and he pressed closer, hands possessive as they moved up his boyfriend's sides. There was no part of Chad's body he wasn't familiar with but he _never_ tired of running his hands over ever single inch of the man.

Chad greedily sucked the flavor of himself on his boyfriend’s tongue, loving how he could still taste Christian there, just underneath.

Moaning softly, Chad tugged and pulled his lover closer until he could cup over the bulge in his jeans, rubbing slowly. “You have no idea how much I love your mouth around me,” he murmured against Christian’s lips.

Christian's breath slipped past his lips in a short hiss of pleasure. "Yeah," he murmured, "I think I do." There was no question in Christian's mind how it felt. _Fuck_ , he died a little every single time Chad's lips were on him. Sliding his hands up Chad's thighs, Christian laughed softly - more of a low rasp than anything. "I wanna fuck you tonight. In _our_ bed, _hard_. I wanna hear you moan my name..."

“That mean I should stop touching you?” Chad breathed, tilting up to capture Christian’s lips in a slow, soft kiss once more. “No fucking on the kitchen floor?” Chad laughed softly. Not like they hadn’t had sex there. Chad was pretty sure there wasn’t a part of the apartment that they hadn’t had sex in. And if his heart was racing a little at the _our bed_ thing, well, he’d keep that to himself.

Laughing a little louder, Christian snatched a handful of Chad's hair and crushed their mouths together again. _God_ he could kiss Chad forever and never need to breathe. Lingering there, lips moving over Chad's slowly, Christian couldn't help the smile that eased its way onto his face. When he finally pulled back he was still panting and had a bit of trouble focusing on Chad's eyes. "Let's just... I'll wait. I wanna ..." He looked down and felt the heat of embarrassment creep up his neck. "I wanna feel this for a while. Want to _want_ you so bad that ... I just take you. You know?"

Chad swallowed thickly and looked up at Christian, blinking a few times in a mix of shock and pleasure. “Yeah, okay. That’s-” Chad cleared his throat then blew out a long breath. “That’s pretty fuckin’ hot, honestly.”

Chad laughed weakly and reached out to stroke his hands through Christian’s hair. “Would it bother you if I said that I think of this place more as my home than my real home?” Chad asked in a rush, not sure where the question came from. “Sorry, way off topic. Let’s just talk about how fuckin’ hot you are.”

Narrowing his eyes Christian forced a glare onto his face. “I know what you’ve been doin’, movin’ in here one thing at a time. You think I didn’t notice the toothbrush and the clothes, shoes, your own coffee mug? What about the way my underwear drawer suddenly has half your clothes in it?”

Something weird tightened in Chad’s chest and he stared at Christian for a long few minutes, trying to figure out if he was missing something. It wasn’t like it wasn’t true, that was exactly what Chad had been doing. “I... it seemed like you were okay with it? Is it a problem? I could take the stuff back; spend more time at my place.” Chad shrugged; deciding now wasn’t the time to point out that in a few weeks he’d be graduating.

“Fuck, Chad. I’m joking.” Christian’s expression softened instantly and his hands slid up Chad’s thighs. “If I had my way you’d just be here all the time - doesn’t feel much like a home without you in it. I hate the times you sleep at your place.” He’d been hesitant to bring it up, but once the words were out it didn’t feel so bad.

Almost instantly the feeling in Chad’s chest eased and he laughed, smacking Christian’s arm. “Don’t fuck around with me like that, I got all panicky. ‘Because I mean, you know I graduate soon and I won’t have any more student loan money coming in. Which means, I have to give up my place. So, you know, I was thinking...” Chad trailed off, letting Christian make his own assumptions about what Chad was going to say.

"You want a written invitation?" Christian was trying to keep the grin off his face. _Fuck_ , since he started seeing Chad he spent more time grinning and looking like a love sick idiot than he cared to admit. "It's your home. Don't much care to be here by myself, you do with that what ya want." Lifting his gaze Christian smiled at the twinkle in Chad's eyes.

“Awesome,” Chad murmured then laughed, leaning forward to capture Christian’s lips in a soft kiss. It made them feel so much more official, the idea of living together. “So well I guess that’s good, since I already told my landlord I wouldn’t be renewing my lease. Mighta just assumed.” Chad smirked, fingers sliding down Christian’s chest. “You gonna go to my graduation? Even if it’ll be wicked boring?”

"'Course I am, I had to listen to your bitch and complain about school all this time. Damn well gonna see my man graduate." Christian gave up, letting the grin transform his face. Sometimes, he found it a little hard to believe his life had turned out the way it had. "You still gonna wanna be with some rough and ready guy like me? You might be meetin' some really fancy guys."

“Couldn’t imagine anyone better than you,” Chad breathed, hand sliding back along Christian’s neck and along his jaw. “You know you’re the best thing that ever happened to me, why would I want someone else?” His nose brushed along Christian’s and he couldn’t help grinning. He knew his boyfriend loved the sweet little romantic stuff, even if he wouldn’t fess up to it. “Still gonna want me when I have some geeky science job?”

“I can live with it,” Christian mumbled. “You can show me off at all your professional parties - you know - the mysterious, guitar playin’ cowboy.” Sliding back Christian grabbed the counter and pulled himself up. “C’mon up, getting’ too old for this floor shit.” Laughing he held out his hands for Chad.

Chad grinned up at his boyfriend and grabbed his hands, letting the man tug him up. He leaned in for a kiss until he remembered something he’d been meaning to say and he jerked back. “Oh! I forgot to tell you. Jensen proposed to Jared.”

When Jared had told Chad he’d had just a moment where everything felt _weird_ then he was congratulating his friend and staring wide eyed when Jared asked him to be a groomsman. “Jared wants me to be part of the wedding. How weird is that?”

“Wow. How very... _them_.” Christian found Chad’s friends to be a little over the top sometimes but he certainly knew they were good guys. They were just a little _crazy_ into each other. “Guess I won’t have to worry ‘bout him stealin’ you away anymore then.” Laughing, Christian turned around and fiddled with the dials on his stove as he tried to figure out how to heat the chicken up again.

Smacking Christian’s hands away, Chad stepped up to the stove and turned it on to a low setting before looking up at his boyfriend. “Very them?” He pursed his lips, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose than tugging them off to clean with his shirt. “You mean like, the marriage thing?”

“Yeah, they kinda do that whole romantic thing - traditional, I guess.” Christian’s forehead wrinkled as he looked down at Chad’s hands. “You’re cleaning your glasses,” he said softly.

“So?” Chad huffed a small laugh and pushed his glasses hard back up his nose. “Does that mean you don’t want to get married? Too traditional?” Chad’s lips twitched into a smile on and off, finally settling on a slight frown.

“You clean your glasses when I’ve said somethin’ that bothered you.” Christian smirked and leaned back against the counter and folded his arms. “I never really thought about gettin’ married. I mean to a man - I- well, I mean when I younger I guess it was kind of ingrained in me; the idea of a wife and kids, good job.” He shrugged and looked over at his guitar as he thought. “Guess I’m not so much the traditional kind of guy.”

Wetting his lips, Chad considered Christian’s words for a few moments, head dipping in a slow nod. He supposed in the long run being married wouldn’t matter so much. As long as they were together, that was all that mattered to Chad. “Okay,” he finally said and smiled at Christian. “You wanna help me make the salad? Or you want to do some music stuff while I finish up dinner?”

“I’ll help.” Christian washed his hands and snagged a hand towel off the counter. “So, you gotta wear a tuxedo and stuff at the wedding? Do I get to be your plus one?” Leaning in, he brushed his lips quickly over Chad’s cheek and headed for the fridge to pull out some vegetables.

“You want to go? Doesn’t seem like your kind of thing.” Chad shrugged and grabbed the sourdough bread, pulling out a couple of pieces to make garlic bread. “Not sure about the tuxedo thing, knowing Jared and Jensen it’ll probably be more casual, maybe a beach wedding. They’re country raised boys, make they’ll ask you to do the music.”

“I could play music. Rather have you on my arm though. Beach weddin’, you can do things like that?” Christian’s knife stopped in mid air and he stared over at Chad. “I thought they pretty much had to be all fancy and shit.”

Chad snorted and shook his head. “You’re so very romantic.” He just barely suppressed an eye roll as he glanced over at his boyfriend. “There’s no law out there that says weddings have to be fancy or formal. Actually it’s pretty common nowadays for people to get married outdoors, especially beaches. You’d wear just nice slacks, white or tan or something, a button down shirt. No tie or anything. You know, ‘cause weddings really aren’t about creating a show; it’s about officially declaring your love for each other, having a written commitment of a bond that should be unbreakable.”

Chad stared down at the bread he was buttering as he spoke, knowing just how cheesy his words were and blushing because of them.

"I like that idea," Christian murmured.

He set about chopping the carrots again and flipped them into the salad bowl with a flourish. "Could get married by a lake, or take a ride up some place with a fabulous view with my guitar. Sing my vows or somethin' - you know-"

He glanced up and saw the look on Chad's face and raised an eyebrow. "I mean if I was gonna do somethin' like that." Beaming a sweet smile at his boyfriend, Christian concentrated on the vegetables.

Something warm crawled through Chad and he smiled, shaking his head as he looked back down at the bread. “Wouldn’t even have to involve a lot of people. Just some close family and friends. Everything would be real simple; maybe we’d grill some steaks after the ceremony. Of course we’d have to get a cake though.” Chad laughed and slid the bread into the toaster over, turning to lean against the counter and stare at Christian. “Doesn’t sound so bad now huh? The whole, wedding thing?”

Waving the knife around, Christian laughed. “I’m reserving judgment till I see what these Js of yours do. I’m bettin’ there will be little doilies on the table. Lacy things, and big bows and stuff. Hair,” he added leaning over for Chad to tuck his hair back behind his ear.

Chad smirked as he tucked Christian’s hair back, sliding his hands through to gather it all and leaning around him to grab the hair tie on the counter. They always seemed to be lying all over the place, hair ties for whenever Christian needed them. “Well, the Js both have bigger families, and extremely supportive parents. I imagine it’s going to be quite an experience, you can’t make a decision based off that.”

Sliding forward, Chad wrapped his arms around Christian’s waist, leaning against his back and gently kissing his shoulder. “I just have my parents. And you... well I guess your parents probably wouldn’t be too involved. But um, we could have the Js there. You... could invite the band.”

Chad purposefully left Steve’s name out of it, that wasn’t likely to happen. “It’d be like a small party.” Chad wasn’t sure why he was trying to talk Christian into this now, but the idea made him feel warm all over and he continued to kiss softly up Christian’s shoulder, along the back of his neck, down the other shoulder.

"Chad Michael Murray, are you tryin'a get your way?" Christian finished up the chopping and scraped all the veggies into the salad bowl. Brushing off his hands, Christian turned in Chad's arms. "Listen, maybe one day? I got things I still gotta work on but I'm not goin' anywhere. That's the most honest answer I got, okay?"

Smile dimming slightly, Chad nodded and pressed a soft kiss to Christian’s lips. That was one of the things he loved about his boyfriend, his honesty. He’d gotten really good at not keeping things from Chad and that was good for them. “Okay,” he said softly and squeezed Christian’s middle before stepping back and pulling the oven open to peer inside. “It’s ready, but if the chicken’s dry it’s your fault, just saying.”

“You started it,” Christian muttered. He headed over to set the table with a smile on his face.

Christian was pissed off. He dropped his keys twice before managing to get his key in the lock and then realized it wasn’t locked to begin with. “Jesus,” he hissed. Shoving at the door he shoved his guitar through and managed to get stuck halfway through the door. “Fuck!”

Tripping over Chad’s boot was kind of the last straw. “Jesus Christ, Chad. You’re gonna kill me one of these days.” Slamming his guitar case against the wall Christian swore again and dropped it on the floor by the door.

Chad looked up from his laptop; eyes wide as he stared at the bright red flush on Christian’s cheeks. “Sorry,” he said softly, brows pulling together in confusion. “You need some help?” It was more than obvious that Christian was angry and Chad had a hunch that it was more than his boots in the doorway behind it.

"Yes, I need a new fuckin' manager which is stupid 'cause we just got this one. But Steve is an idiot." Kicking his boots off against the wall Christian headed for the fridge and pulled it open before he remembered they didn't keep liquor in the house anymore. He slammed the fridge door closed and threw his keys hard at the counter. “I should have picked up some beer or somethin’.”

The comment about the beer more than anything else had Chad setting his laptop to the side and standing, crossing to Christian and hesitating there. “Okay, better start explaining.” He was used to being the thing that kept Christian from drinking, now though he wasn’t so sure he should be touching the man.

" _Karen_ ," Christian started with a sneer, "wants me to be not-so-gay. She says that the market for our music is women in their late twenties and early thirties and men. And fuck! I mean what the hell she know?. Just because she saw me kiss you once, it's not like we do that all the time - and seriously? Does it really make that much difference? Fuckin' Steve. He just sat there like he had _no_ idea about the whole thing and he even warned me about it." Christian jammed his hands in his pockets and paced back over to his guitar aiming a kick at the case as he walked past.

Swallowing thickly, Chad shoved his own feelings on the subject down and trailed after Christian, snagging his arm and pulling him close. “Don’t kick your guitar, you’ll regret it later.”

Chad rubbed his thumb against Christian’s wrist, free hand curving over the side of Christian’s jaw. “Take a deep breath, calm down, being pissed isn’t gonna do anything but cause you harm. Count to ten or something.” Chad smiled wryly, squeezing Christian’s hand.

"I don't need to count to ten, what I need is to not be told that I gotta write some songs about woman and that I need to not touch my own fuckin' man after shows. I mean I know what she's doing - I get it - but it's not what I thought was going to happen. Not in places we've been already. She says that people will have pics and stuff will get around because of the Internet and shit..." Christian ran out of air before he ran out of frustration.

Chad dropped Christian’s hand, tugging his glasses off and wiping them on the edge of his shirt. He felt a little sick at the idea, not being able to congratulate Christian after a show like he so enjoyed. But, weirdly enough, it was the other thing that caught with him. “You have to write songs about girls?” He asked quietly, blinking down at their feet. Christian expressed himself through music, poured every part of his heart and soul into those lyrics. So writing a song about a girl? Chad couldn’t fully grasp what that meant.

"More main stream. Great. Now you're cleaning your glasses." Spinning on his heels Christian headed over to the window and yanked the curtain back like he expected there to be some kind of an answer outside on the street.

Groaning, Chad pushed his glasses back up the bridge of his nose, sliding a hand back through his hair. “You mind not being pissed at me about this? Because it’s really not my fault.” He slid his arms across his chest, staring at Christian’s back with a frown.

"I'm not pissed at you. I just know what you're gonna think - or do - or whatever." Sighing, Christian headed over to the couch and sat down. "She said it's what we gotta do if we want to actually get a recording contract. When we go on the road it's important apparently."

“So it’s basically pretend I don’t exist or have no hope at a music career.” Chad scratched at his arm, resisting the urge to pull his glasses off once more. “And, you’re not even the only who gets to make this decision. Knowing Steve, well, there’s really no say in the matter.” Chad exhaled slowly, walking to the door to move his boots out of the way. “This mean I should just stop coming to the shows?”

"No. I don't know. I don't-" Christian folded his arms across his chest as his knee bounced. "I don't know how to do this." Ever since he'd left Karen's office he'd been vibrating. He was pissed off, hurt, confused and what he would usually do was just get drunk and try and forget about it all for a little while.

“I don’t suppose you even considered the idea of just saying no, absolutely not.” Chad slid his gaze to Christian then dropped it, sighing as he walked slowly to the couch and sat beside Christian. “What exactly did you say?”

“I said I would think about it.” Christian’s fingers were digging so hard into his arms it hurt but he didn’t move. “I - I wanna go for a drink. It’s not like that’s a big deal, right?”

“It is. Because it won’t just be a drink. You’ll get drunk. You’ve come so far Christian, you don’t need it.” Chad hesitated than reached out, curling his fingers over Christian’s forearm. “Come on, I know you’re stronger than that.”

"It's not about being strong, Chad. I just wanna - fuck - normal people have shitty days at work and they go home and have a few beers and just chill out. How do I get to do that? Are you seriously thinking that I'm never gonna have a drink again?" Christian stared down at Chad's fingers; sure he could feel the man's hand shaking slightly.

“You’re an alcoholic, Christian, you don’t get to have a few drinks _ever_. I’m sorry, it fucking sucks, and I know today seems like the perfect day for that but just, if you slipped up, god it’d be like throwing all the progress you made out the window. Do you really want that?” Chad was almost pleading now, his heart slamming hard in his chest. “Let me be enough.”

Christian yanked his arm away from Chad’s grip. “Is that what you think? I’m a fucking alcoholic? I _said_ my drinking was a problem, Chad. I didn’t say that I couldn’t stop and I didn’t say I wasn’t ever going to drink again. Alcoholic? Really?” Shaking his head Christian shifted away slightly. Guilt gnawed at him for arguing semantics. He knew deep down that his drinking had been a problem but that was a pretty strong word.

Staring down at his hand still hovering in thin air, Chad slowly pulled his glasses off. “Generally that’s what people with drinking problems are called. Look the point is that you won’t just stop at one drink. You’ll go out and get completely wasted right? That’s what you want?” He’d thought their days fighting about drinking were over and as he scrubbed his already clean glasses against his shirt he felt the familiar sickening clench in his chest.

"I just wanna relax for a while, have a good time. We used to do that, remember?" Christian jammed a hand into his hair and tugged some knots out roughly. "I just ... it's not a big deal. Steve said that getting drunk every once in a while doesn't make it a problem." Christian hated the look on Chad's face. He hated seeing uncertainty there again and knowing that he'd put it there. "Come with me," he said softly. "Let's just go out for once and have a good time. Dance, hang out."

“You don’t think we have good times?” Chad frowned, sliding his glasses back on. “I thought... I mean, you seemed like you enjoyed our time together, just us.” Christian was completely throwing him for a loop here and Chad had seriously thought they were past this point in their relationship. He thought about responding to the _Steve said_ mention but he really couldn’t go there.

"Jesus, Chad, you know what I mean. Don't turn it all around and make a big shit storm out of it. You know I enjoy time with you, just us - but don't you ever want to go out and dance or listen to music or somethin'? Have a beer and meet people?" Chad was sensitive, Christian knew that but _God_ , sometimes Christian want to just not worry about anything. “Come on, it’ll be fun.”

Chad had always known Christian and he were different. After all, Christian came from a party home, where chances were high that you’d constantly find new people lingering around the living room. Chad had never been that way, he thought Christian knew that. “I have a paper to finish,” he said quietly, pushing up off the couch. “You’re free to go do whatever, blow off steam.” Chad shrugged, heading over to his books stacked on the side table.

Christian groaned and let his hands fall to his thighs. “Chad, don’t do this.”

“What, Christian, I really do have a paper to finish. Clearly right now I’m not enough to make things better for you and its fine. Whatever.” Chad shrugged, snagging his laptop and tugging it up to turn it off.

“God, you’re such a drama Queen sometimes.” Laughing harshly, Christian pushed up off the couch and headed down the hallway to see if he could find a clean shirt. He’d be damned if Chad was going to _guilt_ him into staying home and fuming on the couch all night.

Tugging his t-shirt off Christian wiped it across his chest and then tossed it into the laundry hamper. It only took him a couple of minutes to flip through the shirts in his closet and pull out a clean button down. After deciding his jeans were fine he headed back down the hall and into the kitchen to retrieve his keys.

The fact that Chad was still standing in the living just pissed Christian off even more; maybe it was because he felt the nip of guilt. “You seriously gonna stay home?”

There were tears in Chad’s eyes but he purposefully kept them from Christian, because, _drama Queen_? Really? Christian hadn’t ever insulted him like that and Chad felt even worse because at the moment he sure as hell felt like it was true. His glasses were pooling with the tears and his fingers slid over his text book slowly. “Paper’s due tomorrow,” he whispered, lifting his shoulders in a shrug.

Pacing over to Chad's side, Christian slid his hand over his boyfriend's ass. "You like this shirt," he murmured against Chad's ear. "Come on, I'll dance with you, teach ya how to two-step or somethin'." At that point Christian would settle for any kind of sign that Chad wasn't going to hold an evening of fun against him.

“Jesus, just _go_ Christian. I know you want to, it’s fine. I have to finish my paper. Have a good time.” Chad turned out of Christian’s touch, keeping his back to the man as he pulled his glasses off and wiping furiously at his eyes. His boyfriend was right, he was a drama Queen, Christian deserved to go out and be with people who sucked less.

"Fine. Have a great fuckin' time with your paper. Whatever, Chad." Turning quickly Christian swallowed down the hurt and headed over to snatch his coat off the back of the couch. "See ya later." He didn't wait for an answer before slamming the door shut because, frankly, the last thing he needed to hear was that Chad wouldn't be there when he got back home.

Chad rolled his lips together as the tears slid down his cheeks and he blew out a frustrated breath, dropping down on the couch. Like he could really finish his paper now, he could hardly even see. He couldn’t help holding his breath, staring at the door as if Christian might come back at any moment. He’d never really thought that he was holding his boyfriend back but the more he thought about it, the more it seemed _true_.

Christian was the social type, he liked people and parties and getting to know strangers. Before Chad came into his life he probably had hundreds of friends. Before Chad he would never have hesitated to agree to Karen’s terms, would probably be out now celebrating with his band mates over the fact that they had a record deal. Now, because of Chad, Christian didn’t even have his best friend anymore.

It was painful to realize just how much he’d changed his boyfriend’s life. He’d stepped in and taken over _everything_. Chad could look around now and see it. The art on his walls, the style of dishes, the things he kept in the fridge, the friends he kept, the places he went.

Hell, Chad wouldn’t even blame Christian for finding some hot guy at the bar that was fun and spontaneous, not some boring, geeky, science nerd who’d rather stay home and work on a paper than go out.

In the end Chad forced himself to finish his paper because the grade was too important. It sucked, he didn’t cover half the things he’d meant to, but sitting in Christian’s living room was remarkably distracting. By eleven he was yawning, dozing on the couch, and his heart clenched with each beat when the minutes passed and Christian still wasn’t home.

Eventually he climbed off the couch and headed slowly down the hall, flicking off lights, locking the door. He wondered what Christian was doing, if he was having a good time, if he’d called up Steve so the boys could get together and have a good time like they used too. Chad hated not knowing how things _were_ with him and Christian now, if he’d just fucked everything up by not going with the man when he probably really needed him.

Chad stripped down and changed into Christian’s sweats, tugging his shirt on a moment later. He couldn’t imagine going home at this point anyway. Even if Christian never came home, at least Chad would be able to smell him, hug his pillow. He slid under the blankets and tugged Christian’s pillow between his arms, curling in on himself and squeezing his eyes shut. He didn’t think he’d fall asleep but his eyelids felt heavy and each deep inhale of Christian’s scent pulled him out of the ache in his chest.

Christian's eyes were having a little trouble focusing on the lock when he finally made it to his apartment door. His lips were a little numb, his head spinning pleasantly and _fuck_ , he'd finally managed to just relax and stop thinking about all the shit that he had to put up with if he wanted to get anywhere with his music. Of course, most of the evening he'd thought about Chad and whether or not he would still be at home when Christian got back there.

Finally managing to connect lock with key, Christian laughed and pushed the door open. It was dark in the living room, but Chad's boots were still by the door, his books on the table where they'd been earlier and Christian grinned.

 _Chad_ had waited for him. Leaning heavily against the wall, Christian tugged his boots off and shrugged out of his jacket. He fumbled with the buttons on his shirt as he headed down the hallway. He blamed the dark for the fact that he bumped against the wall once or twice.

The bedroom door was open and Christian squinted as he wrestled his way out of his shirt. He could only just make out the lump of _Chad_ in the bed. Stumbling slightly, he managed get his belt buckle undone and then half fell forward onto the bed. Crawling up beside the form of his boyfriend he pulled clumsily at the cover until he could bury his nose in Chad’s hair. “Hey,” he whispered.

Chad had heard Christian down the hall and maybe he would have rolled toward him if he didn’t catch the strong whiff of alcohol. Once upon a time it had been a scent he associated with Christian but that seemed like a world ago. Now he simply squeezed his eyes shut and rode out the wave of pain in his chest. “Hi,” he said quietly, releasing his grip on the pillow he clutched and sliding it over his shoulder for Christian.

“Missed you,” Christian muttered. He shoved the pillow under his head and managed to get his hand under the covers. There were entirely too many clothes goin’ on and Christian tugged at the t-shirt. “Chad? Did ya miss me?” His fingers slid up along Chad’s side.

“Yeah,” Chad whispered and slid his hand down, smoothing his shirt out once more. “Have a good time?” His voice was noticeably flat but mainly because he was fighting against every emotion that had clouded his thoughts all night.

“You cold or somethin’?” Christian laughed softly and reached up to scratch the side of his nose. “I missed you. Did I say that? What did you do? Get your - whatever it is done?” Christian struggled with the zipper on his jeans for a few moments then gave up.

Sighing softly, Chad nodded, keeping his back to Christian for a long moment. He felt Christian once more shifting behind him and finally he sighed and rolled over, reaching out to undo Christian’s jeans and push at them. “You never said if you had a good time,” he mumbled, finally looking up to meet Christian’s eyes. They were slightly glassy, alcohol film, and Chad pursed his lips to keep from frowning.

“I did,” Christian said. “Steve got his ass kicked at pool and I met this dude who plays guitar in some local band. _God_ , I can’t remember the name of the band. S’in my pocket though. Steve took my truck keys away.” Christian frowned as he remembered. Kicking his jeans the rest of the way off Christian pulled the covers back and pressed up against Chad. “You feel good,” he murmured.

Jealousy curled thick and hot through Chad and he squeezed his eyes closed once more, fighting against the feeling and how _pathetic_ it made him feel. “I’m glad you had a good time,” Chad said quietly, brushing his fingers through Christian’s hair once more before turning in his arms. “Must have felt great to get out and meet some people again.” Chad hated the way his chest felt kind of hollow. It didn’t even make _sense_.

"Rather have had you there," Christian said softly. He yawned and nestled closer, hand worming its way under Chad's shirt again to press flat against his boyfriend's belly. "You didn't kiss me." He took a deep breath and smiled, Chad smelled so good - like all the best things.

The first response Chad thought of was something bitter, like _because I don’t feel like kissing a bottle of Jack_. He bit his lip to keep from saying that though. Instead he half rolled back and pressed his lips closed against Christian, breathing in deeply. The man smelt like smoke and whiskey and a cologne that wasn’t his. Chad had no doubt in his mind that his boyfriend was faithful, Christian had learned his lesson there, but it made Chad’s stomach churn until he had to roll away once more because he thought he might be sick. “Get some sleep,” he murmured, eyes burning with tears he was frankly rather tired of.

Frowning, Christian pressed in closer and managed to get both his arms around his boyfriend. "Chad?"

Sniffing softly, Chad slid his hand down over Christian’s, threading their fingers together. “Yeah?” He just wanted to sleep, wanted this entire night to be over with.

"Love you," Christian murmured sleepily.

“Love you too,” Chad whispered, free hand lifting to rub at his eyes. Chad was pretty sure something had to change; he just hoped they were both ready for it.


	2. Chapter 2

In the morning Chad didn’t feel much better but he felt a lot less likely to randomly burst into tears so there was that. He slipped out of bed while it was still early, showering and dressing then heading to the kitchen. Christian hadn’t been drunk in a while, Chad had a feeling the man would wake with a hangover and Chad was familiar enough with that to know how to handle it.

He made Christian a tray with toast and bacon, knowing greasy food was a sure fire cure. He kept the coffee he poured black and fixed a glass of water on the tray, bottle of Advil joining it. Chad had a morning class and any other day Christian would have woken up, wanting to spend some time with Chad before he left.

Since there was only twenty minutes until Chad had to be out the door he headed quietly down the hall and set the tray on the nightstand, sitting beside Christian on the bed. Christian’s hair was a wild mess along the pillows, bringing a small smile to Chad’s lips. The man had snatched Chad’s pillow when he left and was currently stroking the side of the pillowcase in his sleep, occasional murmur falling from his lips.

Chad kind of wanted to just skip his class and crawl back between the blankets, curl into Christian’s arms and silently beg him to tell Chad that all the thoughts he’d been mulling over weren’t true. Instead he slid his hand along Christian’s arm, up over his shoulder, gently massaging the muscle there. “Christian? Hey, I made you some breakfast. Gotta head to class soon,” he murmured the words, hands passing up through Christian’s hair.

Groaning, Christian stretched out slightly and cracked one eye open to peer up at Chad. “Stay,” he mumbled. His hand reached out and his fingers curled into Chad’s shirt. “Want you here.” His head was aching a little, his throat dry, but all he wanted was Chad in his arms; that always made everything better.

“Really wish I could. Not enough days left in the school year to make skipping okay though,” Chad said as quietly as he could, knowing Christian probably had a rather unpleasant headache. “Some water over here, bacon, toast, black coffee and Advil. Just stay in bed and I promise to come back over after my class.” Chad rubbed his fingers along Christian’s temple, frowning down at him.

“Aw Chad, please?” Christian lifted his free hand to rub at his closed eye and shifted closer till he could half curl around Chad’s legs. “You’re smart - don’t need to be there.” Christian actually felt a little desperate for some time with Chad. Maybe it was about knowing things were okay - maybe he was just feeling sorry for himself. Either way - he wanted Chad there.

Groaning, Chad closed his eyes and fought against the _good_ student part of him and the part that was madly in love with this man and couldn’t fathom turning him down for the second time in little over twelve hours. “God, Christian, why do you have to make me feel this way?” Chad had missed _so much_ school since he met Christian. Before him, he’d never missed a single day. And still Chad found himself toeing out of his shoes. “Drink some water; your throat must be aching.” He pulled his leg up on the bed and reached out for the water glass.

Christian sat up slightly and took the glass, downing most of it then wiping his mouth slowly. "Make you feel what way?" His voice was gruff and he coughed, letting his hand slide down Chad's shirt front.

“Like, like I should be someone different.” Chad shrugged, looking over at the tray and reaching out for the bottle of Advil. He popped off the top and shook out a couple pills, holding them out to Christian.

"What?" Christian blinked a few times and rubbed at his eyes again as he struggled to sit up. "Someone else? I - what?" Things were spinning a little and he squeezed his eyes shut for a few moments. "Is this about school? I'm sorry - you can go - I'm ... I'm bein' selfish. I just wanted you here for some reason." Taking the pills Christian just stared at them for a few moments. "I'm sorry," he said softly.

“Don’t worry about it. You always liked me around when you had a hangover.” Chad shrugged, reaching out for the plate of bacon. “Eat some, take the pills, and lay back down. I know it’s not the time for any type of conversation.” Chad had already given in to the desire to stay, to take care of Christian. He wasn’t sure he wanted to know what that said about him.

Christian tossed the pills into his mouth and drained the glass of water then stared at Chad for a while. “I was a shit to you last night,” he muttered. Something had died in his mouth the night before, he was pretty sure of it - but the taste of those words was far worse.

“You wanted to go out. You were right, we never go out.” Chad shrugged once again, looking down at the bacon. “Maybe, you should make it a thing. You know, go out with the guys one night a week or something. You, you said you had fun, met some guy.”

When it seemed like Christian wasn’t going to eat he set the plate back on the tray and shifted back to pull up the blanket again. “You can go back to sleep, it’s okay, I won’t go anywhere.” He never would when Christian needed him.

“I wanted you to come with me,” Christian said softly. “I just. Chad, I don’t know how to deal with shit. I’ve spent most of my life dealing with things one way and maybe it’s not the best way. You gotta help me find another way.” He frowned, thoughts kind of tumbling forward. “I didn’t _meet_ a guy. I met a guy.”

“I know, I didn’t think, I know you wouldn’t do that.” Chad let his eyes settle on Christian, frowning at the man’s bloodshot eyes. “I tried to help you find another way. I offered, well, you know. It didn’t go over so well. But you know I’d do whatever you wanted in a heartbeat. But... you hung out with Steve. That, you, it seemed like it was fun. Couldn’t do that with me there.” Chad wanted to tell Christian to let it go, to stop discussing it now while the man still felt like crap, but he thought maybe Christian wanted to say what was on his mind.

“Why didn’t you come with me?” Christian _knew_ why Chad didn’t want to go to the bar; bad memories and all that stuff but _Jesus_. “Why? I - I needed you.” Christian dragged a hand down his face and then finally reached out for Chad’s hand. Their fingers slid together easily and Christian tilted his hand until their palms were pressed together.

Frowning even deeper, Chad shook his head. “I told you, I had a paper to finish. It was a big one, I couldn’t just ignore it.” Chad blinked a few times, forcing himself not to reach out for his glasses. “And...” He exhaled slowly, not quite sure he could continue. “Well, I, I’m not sure I could have handled watching you go down that path again. And that’s just not me Christian. I’m not _that_ kind of guy, the kind to go to bars, meet new people. I’m sorry, I guess I honestly thought you’d just come back.” Chad shrugged, staring down at their hands.

Christian flinched. He'd known somewhere in the back of his mind that Chad would think that. "I'm sorry, I - guess. I thought you'd come after me or somethin'. I wasn't really thinkin' right. I was so pissed off and..." He sighed; thumb still moving over the smooth skin on the back of Chad's hand. _Go down that path again..._

“Too busy being a drama Queen to drive,” Chad muttered, regretting the words the moment they left his lips. He sighed and shook his head. “Forget that. Look, I’m not going to control you anymore than I already have. I’m going to stop doing that. So if you want to go out more, it’s up to you okay?”

"You're not a drama Queen," Christian said quickly. "Chad, fuck. I'm sorry. I don't want things to change. I was pissed off about the... about the whole _don't-be-too-gay_ thing and I lost my temper. _And_ I got fuckin' mad at myself for wanting to do what she said. It shouldn't be that way - but what if it is? What if there's no way to do my music if people think I'm too queer or somethin'?" Shaking his head, Christian turned away. There was some things he didn't want to see on Chad's face.

Chad had known this was the root of the problem; he just wasn’t quite ready to face it again. “I guess that’s just... you’ll just have to do what you think is best. I can just stop coming to the gigs.” Frankly, Chad wasn’t prepared to _pretend_ like he and Christian weren’t together. He’d worked hard to get to the point where he was comfortable being out in public, he had no desire to start hiding once more.

“We wrote a song last night. Me and Steve. This stupid song about country women. You think that’ll be enough?” Christian lifted his gaze and leaned back a little.

“Sure.” Chad nodded, taking his hand back and giving in to the desire to pull his glasses off. “That must have felt good, you know, writing with Steve again and all that.” He was trying to get Christian to tell him that _something_ had been good. At least then maybe it’d justify the way he’d spent most of the night in tears.

“You keep pullin’ away. You didn’t want me touchin’ you last night either.” Christian chest felt tight. “Have I fucked things up?”

Chad blew out a long breath and slid a hand back through his hair. “Last night you, it-” Chad sighed and shook his head. “You just smelled like a bar and yeah. Look, Christian, I feel like... last night, I did a lot of thinking, and I realized that I’ve just kind of come into your life and taken over everything. Because of me you never just hang out with your friends, and I’ve pretty much picked out everything in your home, and it wasn’t right of me to get so upset because you wanted to go out. So, you haven’t done anything wrong, it’s really me that should be apologizing.”

Christian's frown deepened and he looked down at his hands. "You should go to class," he said softly. Forcing a smile onto his face, he looked up at Chad briefly then turned away and swung his legs over the side of the bed. "I'm gonna have a shower. Got some stuff I gotta do." His head throbbed when he moved and he cradled it in his hands for a little while as the pounding settled.

“Don’t.” Chad stood, turning so he could stare at Christian’s back. “Don’t just dismiss me like that. Jesus Christ, Christian, I spent the better part of last night in tears but I still fucking stayed. I could have left, gone to my place, but I didn’t because I was worried about you and I wanted to be here when you got home. So don’t you just fucking send me off because I was honest with you, and I’d say you owe me that much at least.” Chad once more felt the bite of tears but this time it was more out of frustration and maybe something close to _exhaustion_.

"Chad, you don't even like Steve and that's who we're talking about if we're being _honest_." Christian couldn't bring himself to turn and face Chad. He wasn't sure he'd ever heard Chad sound _mad_ before. "Of course things changed, I needed to change - this isn't about that. It's about... _fuck_ I don't even know what it's about." Christian's fingers curled into fists and he rested his forearms across his thighs. “You and I are different.”

No matter how hard Chad stared at Christian he didn’t move and Chad felt something tight squeezing around his heart, causing him to suck in a ragged breath. “Different? Are we different now?” Could one night really be enough to change everything between them? Chad already knew the answer to that he supposed.

"I don't wanna do this now." Christian shifted nervously on the edge of the mattress. "You're pissed off and I'm hung over, you're missing school and I have somewhere to be. It's not the time for this kind of talk." Finally rocking his body forward he stood and padded over to find his jeans where they were crumpled in a ball at the foot of the bed.

“You were just begging me to stay,” Chad whispered, the anger flooding out of him and easily being replaced with the ache he’d dealt with all of last night. “I made you breakfast,” he pointed out needlessly, looking over at the still full tray and blinking tears from his eyes. It was too late already to make his class and Chad was desperate for Christian to just _stop_ this, to make things better. “Where do you have to be that’s more important than us?”

Christian stopped in his tracks and rubbed his hand nervously across his chest. Chad's words cut to the quick and Christian's throat tightened to the point where he couldn't swallow. Tears welled in his eyes and his lips were a thin line when he raised his eyes to Chad's. "I can't do this now," he whispered.

For a long minute Chad just stared at Christian, blinking through tears to try and clear his hazy form. Everything was happening so fast he was struggling to get a grasp on it. “Fine,” he spit out, the word sounding more dejected than he’d be planning. He shook his head and turned, crossing the room to grab his backpack. “I’ll see you later then,” he said without turning back, heading out of the room before he gave into the desire to just collapse on the floor and beg Christian to _fix this_.

Christian watched Chad leave. He knew that he should follow him, apologize, do _something_. Instead of all the things he knew he should do, Christian simply stood there for a while. He listened to the fact that it took Chad far too long to cross the living room, listened to the man pause at the door and then let out a long sigh when he finally heard the door open and close.

Christian’s meeting with Karen didn’t go well. Adding to the fact that he was hung over and pissed off - he was worried about Chad and the fact that he had to listen to her speech was almost insulting.

He tuned a little of it out - there were some key words; thoughts that made it into his brain. The band needed to be putting out a certain image and that image included a lead singer who was manly, available. Women buy CD’s. Christian was sure that Karen repeated that one about five times during the hour he was listening to her.

She told Christian that he was the kind of man that worked well as a front man for the band but that he needed to keep in mind that eyes were on him all the time. It wasn’t just when he was on stage that he was creating an impression; it was when he walked through the bar, when he drank and when he was with his _friend_.

His _friend_.

Part of the reason that Christian left the meeting with an angry flush on his cheeks was because he didn’t correct her. All those words, all the _advice_ and _suggestions_ he argued with and when Karen referred to Chad as his _friend_ ; Christian said nothing. He didn’t say “That’s my man you’re talkin’ about.” He didn’t say “Who I have a relationship with is none of your business.” He didn’t say any of the things that he just _knew_ Chad would have said up front.

And he left wanting a drink.

The drinking thing was just shit. The more he thought about the way things had gone that morning with Chad, the worse he felt. The problem was that Chad just _let_ him be an asshole. Chad kept forgiving him, kept taking him back, apologizing and as wrong as that made Christian feel inside- he didn’t know how to stop it.

That just made him want a drink even more.

Because Christian hadn’t managed to yell any of the things at Karen that had been going through his mind he’d just told her needed a break. It was too little and didn’t address any of the real issues but that was all he could come up with.

Even the cool afternoon air didn’t do much for the queasiness in his stomach or the anxiety that was gnawing at his spine. Checking his watch, Christian gnawed on his bottom lip then squinted as he looked up the road. If he drove over to Chad’s place he could be there waiting when his boyfriend came home after class. The way he figured it - if he showed up after Chad got home - the guy might just not let him in.

By the time Christian was at Chad’s door he was having second thoughts about everything. He almost hoped that Chad would be angry with him. Leaning hard back against Chad’s door, Christian closed his eyes and waited.

For some reason Chad had allowed Jared to talk him into lunch. Probably because he sounded miserable even through text messages and that had to be pretty bad. It hadn’t helped. Chad had recounted every single stupid little detail, starting with the night before - the idea of hiding their relationship because Christian’s manager thought it was best - then the horribly lonely night and the way Chad had felt so _wrong_ when Christian crawled into bed with him and smelled like smoke and alcohol.

And then the morning, the roller coaster of emotions, and the way Chad had been so _hurt_ by the entire thing but had still sat in his car just down the street and watched until Christian had driven out of the parking lot. He didn’t tell Jared that he went back into the apartment to see if anything had changed, to see if Christian had left him a note hoping he’d come back, or if he’d eaten the breakfast Chad had made - which sat still on the tray on the nightstand.

Jared had listened to the entire thing with a frown; he’d told Chad all the things that Chad knew he would say. _Do you really want to deal with this crap again?_ And _You know you deserve better than this Chad._ And that was really not what Chad wanted to hear. If he were honest, he’d tell Jared that all he wanted was some advice on how to make it _better_. Somewhere, deep inside, Chad knew he wasn’t the one who needed to fix things here.

But how could he really give up on so many months of perfect? How was he supposed to just throw in the towel when he wanted to spend the rest of his life with Christian? Jared didn’t get it, he couldn’t possibly, and when the man not so subtly brought up _flowers_ and _wedding colors_ , Chad allowed it.

Chad went to his afternoon classes because he was still a good student even though he was constantly checking his phone, desperate for one little text, just a sign that things between Christian and himself weren’t as bad as they felt. Chad’s chest felt tight and panicky, like his mind was already preparing for an outcome Chad couldn’t possibly fathom.

He knew he looked like shit. Which was part of the reason he headed to his own apartment instead of going to Christian’s like he was so tempted too. Well that and, he wasn’t really sure the man would be there. Somehow the idea of getting there and finding Christian _out_ was too much for Chad’s currently fragile sanity.

His head was dipped down, eyes tracking the half shuffle of his feet as he trekked up the three flights of stairs and down the hall. Chad didn’t go to his apartment very often. Sometimes days would pass before he did, and Chad wasn’t sure if it was real or just his imagination that not that long ago they’d been talking about Chad moving in.

As he took the final step to his door his eyes landed on a pair of all too familiar cowboy boots and his heart skipped a beat. Christian’s jeans were just a few inches too long, hems frayed and dirt stained. Chad let his eyes slid up firm denim clad calves, knees, thighs. The edge of Christian’s red plaid shirt hang over his waist and Chad kind of thought he was moving so slow because he was scared to look into the man’s stormy blue eyes and see all that shit from their morning argument lingering there.

By the time his eyes were moving over the man’s clean shaven jaw Chad wasn’t sure if he was even breathing. He wondered who Christian had shaved for, what had been so important to get to that morning. Somehow he found the ability to speak and kept it by not meeting Christian’s eyes, instead squeezing his keys in his palm and clutching his backpack strap with his free hand. He stepped back, blew out a breath, and stared at his neighbor’s door across the hall.

“Hey,” he said quietly, shifting his weight from one foot to another. “Didn’t expect to see you here.” And wasn’t _that_ the truth. Chad couldn’t remember the last time they’d _both_ been in his apartment.

Christian shifted slowly up to his feet and reached out to take Chad's backpack just like he always did. Chad's fingers were a little slow to uncurl so Christian dropped his hand and leaned back against the door again. "I'm sorry," Christian blurted out. "I was a complete ass this morning, and probably last night. You shouldn't let me talk to you like that." Ducking his head down a little he tried to catch Chad's eye.

“No, I probably shouldn’t.” Chad nodded, rubbing along his neck and shifting in place once more. He felt strangely light without his backpack and Chad wondered when it had become some kind of security blanket. He rolled his lips together for a moment, eyes moving along the floor, then he stepped around Christian and jammed his key into the lock. “How long you been here?”

"A while. I knew when you were done with class but I figured you might not answer if you were here before me." Christian watched the hard line of Chad's shoulders as he opened the door. He lingered there on the threshold. "Can I come in?"

Crossing the living room, Chad resisted the urge to sigh and tossed his keys on the kitchen table. “Yeah, okay.” Chad could very easily picture the last time things between them had been this bad. He figured he wasn’t as broken as he’d been back then, like maybe his extended time with Christian had toughened him up. “So,” he turned to Christian, watching him step into the apartment and shut the door. “Thirsty?”

Christian toed off his boots and wandered over to put Chad's backpack on the desk where it belonged then turned as he shoved his hands in his pocket. "Water? And... do you have time to talk?"

“Well I was going to go check out ideal wedding locations with Jared but I’m sure I can squeeze you in.” There was a definite bite of snark to Chad’s words and he bit his lip, closing his eyes and exhaling slowly before shaking his head. “Sorry, that was petty. Yeah, spent part of my morning at the library so my homework’s caught up.” Chad turned and forced himself forward into the kitchen, grabbing two cups from the cabinet.

“S’okay, I deserve it.” Christian wandered over to stand by the couch. He hadn’t spent that much time at Chad’s apartment but he’d never felt quite so uncomfortable there before. “Wedding locations, huh?”

“They want to get married in August, which is only a few months away. So.” Chad shrugged as he came around the corner, holding the glass up to Christian. For the first time since he’d spotted the man’s cowboy boots their eyes met and Chad had to curl his fingers tight into the glasses to keep from throwing them to the side and pressing hard up against Christian’s body.

As he took the glass, Christian let his fingers linger over Chad's. The man's hands were shaking and it made the acid churn anew in Christian's stomach. "I'm not good at this stuff. Relationship stuff. All I'm thinkin' about is kissin' you and I know that's not right. Just puttin' that out there."

Forcing himself to step back a little Christian finally tore his gaze away from Chad's. It hurt a little to look at those eyes, so wide and too glassy. Tired. Christian gestured toward the couch. "You got enough time to listen to me tell you more about how wrong I was?"

Not for the first time, Chad wondered if there was something wrong with him. Because his gut instinct was to tell Christian no, he wasn’t that wrong, they both made mistakes and it was just _fine_. Chad thought his instinct should have been anger and here he was, taking a seat on the couch and tucking his leg under him so he could turn slightly and face where Christian would be.

“Yeah, I said, I don’t want you to go,” he admitted quietly and shrugged once more, sipping from his water. “So, stay. Talk. Knowing you, you’ve been thinking too hard all day about... everything.” Chad wanted to tell Christian to just do it, just _kiss_ him, but he managed to bite it back.

The corner of Christian's mouth twitched like it was trying for a smile but he just frowned and looked down at the water in his glass. "Steve threw me off. That talk about Karen and ... I wasn't prepared to talk about you and me. I guess - I mean - I didn't see it as being part of what I do. And it is. And that's shit." Wincing, Christian leaned over to put his glass down on the coffee table so he could sink down beside Chad.

“You and I are part of what you do?” Chad turned the glass in circles along his fingertips, glancing over at Christian. “This is about whether we can be public or not.” It wasn’t really a question in Chad’s mind, but then, he’d worked hard to get to the completely open life he had.

"Not really, I mean - yeah - no." Christian sighed and slid a little closer, hesitating before reaching for Chad's hand. "It's about me tellin' you why I was out of my mind stupid last night. And made dumb decisions. And why I was a bitter piece of fuck this morning when all that happened was I had the best boyfriend in the world trying to make me feel better."

 _Of course_ the sharp prick of tears burned along the edges of Chad’s eyes and he looked the other way, blowing out a slow breath. Christian’s fingers were warm against his own and Chad couldn’t make himself pull away. “It was pretty shitty,” he admitted quietly, finally setting his water on the coffee table and attempting a subtle wipe at his eyes as he straightened up. “That- _god_ Christian. That _really_ fucking hurt.”

Christian's chest tightened and he pulled his hand back until he could grip his thigh hard. "I know. I could tell I was hurting you - and I just ... I don't know what I wanted. I guess I wanted you to fight back - tell me to fuck off. I don't know. I can say I'm sorry a thousand fuckin' times and I still won't know what the hell makes me fuck up like that."

Rubbing at his face, Christian sighed. "Chad, I love you. I'm sorry I messed up. This is all - crazy - this PR stuff. I don't understand half of it - and the other half seems really stupid but I know that Steve's payin' this woman because she's talented at what she does."

“Sorry, did you just- I mean, in half a minute did you manage to say you wanted me to tell you to fuck off and then you said you love me?” Chad scrunched his face up and spread his fingers, staring down at where Christian’s hand had been. “You want to know the worst part of all of this? I’m not even mad at you. Hurt, yeah, but hell, I want you to kiss me just as bad.”

Chad looked up at Christian even through his watery eyes and half smiled. “Guess that makes me just as fucked up or whatever. Forget it. Just, explain this. The, PR thing. I still don’t think I get it all.” Chad rubbed at his eyes and turned away. He was kind of all over the place and he knew it.

Shaking his head Christian winced again. The pressure in his chest was spreading and he was finding it a little hard to keep pulling in air. "Fuck this," he said softly. Moving quickly he slid over until he was pressed up against Chad's side and could tangle his fingers in the man's long hair. Tugging roughly he _made_ Chad turn into him, _made_ him surrender to the kiss he wanted.

As it had been from the day Chad met Christian, no part of him could say _no_ to this, even if he maybe should. But his mouth was already parting under Christian’s and his fingers curled around the man’s shirt, maybe in pretense of pushing him away. There was a slight sting from the pull at his hair and Chad made a sound somewhere between a moan and a whimper, his free hand sliding around to press flat against Christian’s back.

A shiver skittered down Christian's back and he pressed in closer before pulling back just enough to speak. "Tell me you still love me."

Chad inhaled shakily, the fist around his heart clenching painfully tight. “You know I do,” he breathed, relieved that Christian smelled just like himself, like shaving cream and that familiar musk Chad was maybe addicted too.

"Say it," Christian murmured roughly. For some reason he really needed to hear it - crazy maybe - but he wanted it. His fingers tightened more in Chad’s hair.

Chad’s lips parted in a gasp and his hand tangled in Christian’s shirt pulled forward just barely. “I love you, Christian,” he whispered, just loud enough for Christian to hear.

Relief washed over Christian and his lashes fluttered closed as he pressed forward to capture Chad's mouth again. His tongue dragged along the man's bottom lip and he loosened his hold on Chad's hair to let his hand slip down and curl round Chad's neck. He found himself marveling for a few moments how he'd missed the feel of those soft lips just since that morning and moaned softly.

For a few moments Chad simply let Christian kiss him but as Christian’s touch softened, he found himself pressing forward, surprisingly relieved that it was this between them once more. He could have kissed Christian for the rest of the night, could have forgotten about everything else and simply allowed himself _this_.

But some part of him - a voice in his mind that sounded suspiciously like Jared - had him pulling back slightly, breathing against Christian’s lips. “It’s not this easy Christian,” he whispered, letting his forehead drop against the man’s.

Christian let his hand drag forward until it cupped Chad's cheek. He nodded, eyes still pressed closed. "I know," he said softly. "I just - I needed to know..." Clenching his jaw against the swell of emotion that was choking him Christian pulled back slowly and finally opened his eyes.

Chad's cheeks were flushed, his eyes glassy and dark and Christian's brow furrowed as he thought about the way he'd hurt the man in front of him. "I know," he echoed softly.

“I don’t know what to do.” Chad frowned, wishing Christian would stop putting any sort of distance between them. “I want it to be this easy. I want, just want us to be okay, you know. But I feel like there’s more, things you need to say or I need to do or something.” Chad groaned and slid a hand up through his hair, annoyed that he couldn’t get the right words out.

"Karen thinks that I need to at least _look_ straight ... for my career. And - I listened to everything she said and I didn't really say anything. It hurts me and at the same time - I get it - and I dunno." Christian shrugged, nervous; he hated being the one trying to put his thoughts into words. "Does that make me an idiot?"

That wasn’t at all what Chad expected, though maybe he should have seen it coming. He blinked a few times and looked over at Christian, lips pressing in a deep frown. “That was the important thing you had to go to today? A meeting to tell you that our relationship had to not be in order for you to attract fans?”

"It's the country thing. Women are fans - you've seen the crowds - it's women who come to the show. She thinks that I gotta get used to bein' _on_ all the time. Not just when I'm on stage. I didn't agree to anything. It was just part of it. They're plannin' a tour, cross the US. I-" Christian sighed and sank back against the couch. "I didn't know what to do - and I was mad at Steve for bringing it up - 'cause he's got _no_ business even ... even fuckin' _thinkin'_ about you. No business."

Still frowning Chad took a moment to sort through Christian’s words and bite back the urge to point out to Christian that Steve would forever be the douche bag. They were both pretty well aware of how much he disliked the man. “You didn’t... stick up for us?” Chad stared down at his water glass, shifting on the couch until both feet fell to the floor. “Didn’t mention that I’ve never missed a gig and don’t plan on it no matter how _straight_ she wants you to be?”

Christian's frown deepened and he turned away slightly. Yeah, there was the question that he knew was going to hurt. Finally, when he wasn't sure what else to do, he shook his head slowly. "I - no. I didn't say much of anything. I don't know what to do."

“What do you mean you don’t know what to do?” Chad was hurt, of course he was, because the answer seemed pretty obvious to him and he thought Christian felt the same. “You tell her no, tell her that you’re in a relationship with a man you love and you’re not going to pretend to be something else for anything.”

Christian could swear that he throat was getting tighter by the minute. He snatched the glass of water off the table and drained half of it, hoping it would make his words come out a little easier. "Chad, I really want this. My music - she's not givin' me orders she's just doing what Steve hired her to do. She's given' us her take on what would make things better for us."

He turned back to face Chad again not liking the look on his boyfriend's face. Not at all. "Listen, I'm not expecting you not to show up. You know I'm not. Chad?" Christian's fingers curled under Chad's chin, urging him to turn towards him.

“What happens if I show up?” Chad let his eyes fix on Christian, not caring how wide or glassy they might be. “Will I be your _friend_ off in the corner? Will I have to walk a few steps behind you and not touch you just so none of your _fans_ realize you like to fuck men?” Chad shook his head, pulling from Christian’s touch and pushing off the couch. “I’ve never hidden for anyone Christian. But that’s what you’re asking me to do.”

“I never said that,” Christian said softly. He hadn’t even really thought it all through. Part of him had assumed that it wouldn’t be that big a deal. So what if Chad was there? So what if Chad waited for him back stage instead of out at the bar. He didn’t want to make decisions about when he could kiss his own fucking boyfriend. “Chad, I don’t know what to do. I’m tellin’ the truth here. I want you and I want music - I wanna go on the road. You think I thought that all this would crash together?”

“What if it comes down to a choice?” Chad sank back down onto the couch, too tired to really go anywhere. “Steve- all of them- god, Christian, they’re gonna want you to follow what this Karen woman advises. They’re gonna want you to play straight, ham it up for the girls, whatever. Where does that leave me? And us?” Chad didn’t want to say it but he knew the question forming on the tip of his tongue. _If it came down to it, who would Christian choose?_ Chad was a little terrified of the possible answer.

Christian's mouth fell open for a few moments before he managed to speak. "I'm not gonna choose them over you. If that's what you're sayin'." Shaking his head Christian rubbed at his forehead and put the water back down on the table. "I _want_ you, Chad. I need you. You-" Sighing, Christian pressed his fingers hard against his eyes.

“What? Christian. What am I?” Chad looked over at Christian, blowing out a long breath. “Because you didn’t choose me in that meeting with Karen. And I just- I don’t really feel like you would choose me. If it came down to it. And I kind of hate myself for even asking that because I _know_ how much you love music.” Chad shook his head and looked away again, swallowing down a heavy sigh.

Christian's jaw was clenched so tightly it was twitching. His nose wrinkled and he tilted his head to the side - fighting back the anger and hurt that was whipping around inside his belly. He was so angry he was shaking and his heart was pounding out a crazy rhythm. It was all so messed up and he didn't know how to get out of it.

"You are the best thing that ever happened to me. I know that." Christian's voice was strained and he cleared his throat. "I need you with me on this - somehow and I really need..." Blowing out a breath Christian swore softly and stood. "I should go."

“Don’t you fucking dare.” Chad was up faster than he thought possible and his breath hitched as his eyes burned. “Christian, I swear to god if you leave...” He shook his head, folding his arms over his chest and stepping back. “What do you really need? Just talk to me.”

"I fuckin' need you Chad." Christian spat the words out like they burned and stepped back. "I - I don't know how to do all this on my own. I needed you to come with me last night - I _needed_ you - and I fuckin' hate not being able to... just..." Throwing his hands out to the side, Christian panted for a few moments then turned and walked over to the window. "I'm used to doin' things by myself," he finally said. "And maybe I've been doin' it all wrong for a really long time but it's what I got. And now... all fuckin' day... all those words Karen was sayin' and in my head I was thinkin' - what if Chad doesn't come back?" Christian let his forehead rest against the cool glass.

"I need you and that scares the _shit_ outta me." Christian sighed and lifted his hand to press his palm against the window.

Chad stared at Christian’s back, swallowing thickly around the sudden tidal wave of emotions. He felt the desperation and _need_ like a sudden weight and maybe Chad was more messed up than he’d originally thought because the idea wasn’t really all that unappealing. Being needed by Christian? Chad _wanted_ that. “I’m right here,” he whispered and shrugged. “I, maybe I wasn’t, when you went out, but... I stayed. I was there when you came back.” It was reasoning he’d used that morning and Chad couldn’t help bracing himself for the response.

"I know," Christian said quietly. "I just - I really - it's easier when you're with me. Not. It's-" Thumping his hand softly against the window Christian closed his eyes. "It's easier not to fuckin' drink when you're around. I can do this for you - I don't know how to do it without you. I know that’s - it’s - I don’t even know what it is. It’s not fair - weak, fuck. I don’t know." Frankly, Christian wouldn’t be surprised if Chad just kicked him out, or punched him - or _something_.

“Oh.” Chad blinked, a little surprised that it came down to that. “Is that- is that all?” Chad rubbed at his eyes and dropped down on the couch, like his legs couldn’t hold him up any longer. “Is that all you need me for? Because, it didn’t work last night, so...” Chad felt the burn of a tear slide down his cheek and he watched it drop on his thigh, lips pursing together.

Christian turned slowly. "Is that all? Jesus, Chad. I love you. No - that's not all - I - I love being around you. You're crazy and you make me laugh and I care more about you, fuck, more than I care about myself. You're amazing." Padding over to the sofa he took a knee at Chad's feet. "That's not really what you think is it?" His hands slid over Chad's cheeks, thumbs sweeping through the tears. "Tell me that's not what you think," Christian whispered.

“I don’t know,” Chad murmured, risking a glance up at Christian, his lower lip trembling for just a moment before he laughed weakly. “Sometimes I think, I’m _so_ much. I throw myself into every emotion. And last night, when you wanted to go out, I realized that I’ve taken your whole life from you. You go out when I’m at school but every night, I make you stay home. So maybe, I don’t know, maybe that’s the only way I keep you sober. Because I never want to spend time with _your_ friends.” Chad laughed once more and shook his head. “God, I sound insane.”

"You don't _make_ me stay home. I stay home 'cause I wanna be with you. You think I wanna be all messed up when I come home? You wouldn't even touch me. Last night - ya broke my heart." Christian smiled slightly. "I don't want that. I want _this_. And yeah, this music stuff is gonna suck - but we can figure it out, right? You and me? _Us_?"

The faintest smile twitched on Chad’s lips and he slid his hands forward until his fingers could curl over the man’s wrist. “Do you really want this?” He whispered and looked up, meeting Christian’s eyes and shaking his head. “I don’t mean- just- I know how long you’ve worked to get somewhere with your music Christian. If it comes down to choosing... just don’t want you to hate me if you had to give it up.”

"Chad - I'm not gonna have to give up music to be with you. We'll - we'll figure this out. Okay? Trust me." Christian didn't feel quite as confident as he was trying to sound but _God_ he wanted Chad to smile - to look like he was okay.

Chad dipped his head in a slow nod, trying to tell himself that Christian was right. He didn’t know Karen, but he knew Steve. Steve would push, in his own little way, and they’d barely survived the last time the man had really played with their relationship. “Okay,” he whispered and nodded, tongue sliding slow across his lips. “I’ll trust you.”

"Come home," Christian said against Chad's lips. "I don't wanna go back to our home without you." Chad's breath was warm against his lips and Christian smiled.

 _Our home_ spiraled through Chad’s mind and his heart sped up. “I- yeah. Okay.” Chad nodded and tilted up to brush his lips over Christian’s. “Wish we could just disappear for a while.” Chad leaned into Christian, all but falling against the man.

“Well,” Christian smiled into Chad’s hair as he tightened his arms. “I got in my head that I wanted to go for a road trip again. Remember how good we were before? Just you and me?” When Chad nodded slightly Christian pressed his lips to the soft blond hair. “Maybe you could take me to meet your folks and then we could spend some time alone. Just drivin’, see some land.”

The whole road trip thing wasn’t what had Chad pulling back. He stared at Christian with slightly wide eyes, mouthing opening once, twice, until he managed to find words. “You want to meet my parents?” If it came out sounding a little strangled, Chad was blaming it on the shock of Christian’s idea.

“I thought you wanted me to?” Christian sank back on his heels and dropped his hands to Chad’s thighs. “It’s okay if you don’t want to - I guess - I mean. I may not be what they had in mind for you.” Smiling, he dropped his gaze. “We could just go on a trip anywhere... I don’t care.”

“I do want you to meet them.” Chad frowned and reached out to take hair behind Christian’s ear, an action far too familiar. “Just, you know, when I mentioned it last time you looked kind of terrified. I thought maybe you weren’t interested. Or, you know, the whole idea freaked you out. And as for, them approving of you, well, the whole guy thing isn’t the easiest thing for them.” Chad shrugged and gave Christian a small smile. “It’s really okay if you don’t want to.”

“Will you be there to hold my hand?” There was a teasing tone in Christian’s voice and he walked closer on his knees until he could slide his arms all the way around Chad. “You’ll protect me, right?”

“Oh yeah, I’ll be your strong and mighty protector.” Chad snorted and leaned into Christian, burying his nose in the man’s hair and breathing in. “I kind of think my mom will love you. My dad, he’ll be okay. They were okay when I mentioned it.”

“Then it’s settled. You’re almost done with school right?” Christian’s smile broadened and his lips moved over Chad’s temple and down along his cheek. The smile was back on Chad’s face and it made Christian’s heart flutter.

“Please don’t tell me you’ve already forgotten that I’m graduating in a matter of _weeks_.” Chad laughed and ran his hands down Christian’s chest. “Clearly you’re very excited about sitting through the ceremony.”

Rolling his eyes, Christian laughed. “No, I’m just stating a fact. We’ll pack and leave right after you’re done. You and me - the road. We’ll stop for a few days at your folks and then make a big loop and come back.” Nodding firmly Christian groaned as he stood up. “Now, come home.” He tugged at Chad impatiently. “Fuck Jared and his wedding … whatevers … I want you home.”

“I was lying about that.” Chad allowed Christian to tug him toward the door, small smile growing on his lips. “I mean, I’m sure Jared would love me to go do wedding things with him but after listening to it at lunch, I earned a break.” Chad reached out to grab his bag, doubling back for his keys on the kitchen table. Not that he wasn’t just as eager to get back _home_ as well.

“Chad. You lied to me?” Christian tried hard to hide the smirk on his face. “I’m appalled.” Laughing, Christian pulled the door open and waited there for Chad.

“Well we can’t all be saints like you.” Chad eyed Christian for a moment then laughed, curling fingers over the man’s hip. “Kinda didn’t want it to be painfully obvious that I was desperate to be around you.”

“You mean, like I was to be around you?” Christian pushed forward until Chad was pressed up against the wall by the open door. Licking his lips he stared into Chad’s eyes, the feel the man’s breath on his lips making him shiver.

Chad felt the familiar rush of heat soar through him and he just barely nodded. “Couldn’t just give it all away and not give you the chance to beg a little.” Chad half smiled, fingers dipping under Christian’s shirt.

Christian's lips just barely ghosted over Chad's but his hips pressed forward harder. He just wanted Chad at home; wanted all of him. "Fuck, I want you so bad. You're like some kind of ... I don't even know." His hand moved down Chad's side and slipped behind him to squeeze his ass.

It was impossible not to move up into the press of Christian’s body and Chad’s lips parted, his fingers tucking under Christian’s jeans. “Can’t really take me right here, pretty sure there’s laws against that.” It was a front, his cool and calm exterior. Chad was pretty sure Christian knew just how badly he wanted him in return.

Christian's eyes narrowed at the half dare that was barely hidden in Chad's statement and he reached over to yank the door closed. "No, 'cause I want you in our bed - all fuckin' spread out. Twisting the way you do, all sweaty - wantin' me." The words were whispered against Chad's ear, over his lips and down his neck and Christian's hand slid down to cup the hardening bulge in his boyfriend's jeans. "Home," he growled. "Now."

“God. Okay- gotta- we gotta go.” Chad forced himself to push away, clutching his backpack tight and swinging it up onto his shoulder as he headed for the stairs at a quick pace. “You comin’ old man or am I gonna have to start without you?” Chad called over his shoulder, shooting Christian a smirk.

Chuckling, Christian checked to make sure the door was locked then jogged down the stairs after his boyfriend. “Your ass is grass when I catch you.”


End file.
